I'VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF AND A CAT FOR THE PAST FORTY FIVE MINUTES, EATING COUNTLESS FREEZIES, WAITING TO GET ON THE FLIPPING COMPUTER.
I TELL YOU TO GET OFF BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET OFF, AND YOU RAGE
OH MY FLIPPING GOD
SORRY FOR HAVING SCHOOLWORK TO PRINT OFF.
AND AS FOR MY DAD,
HE TURNS A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF INTO SOMETHING THAT AGITATES ME IN SOME WAY, AND IT ALMOST ALWAYS ENDS WITH ME EITHER IN TEARS, RANTING OR RAGING, OR ALL OF THAT.
YOU WISH THE COMPUTER WOULD BURN OUT, EH?
WELL.
YOU'D NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT IF IT DID.
YOU KNOW THAT.
FLIPPING STOP.
I ALREADY FEEL LIKE NOTHING'S LEFT, AND THIS ISN'T FLIPPING HELPING AT ALL.
I GIVE UP.
I give up.
Everything I do you want cut down.
When it happens I fin something else I like, then you try to cut that down too.
I have stuff I like to do too, you know.
And, just because I don't get off right away doesn't mean I'm flipping ignoring you!
It's just..
Every time I find something I enjoy, something always happens and it ends or I have to stop or something..
And when I want to be alone, I go to my room. Of course I do.
But I can't do that anymore! Every time I try, you ask if I'm stomping off to my room and say other meaningless stuff!
Flipnote Hatena is gone.
You wouldn't even let me be a part of it until the last month, because I begged you.
And even then it was because I said I could access whatever I posted on my old account on my new one.
I can't tell you about my online llife, you'd probably make me quit.
I can't tell you about my emotions.
I don't even show it when I'm upset.
And you know why?
It's because of when in 2012 you were always raging at me for one reason or another, and I trained myself to keep quiet about it.
This is why I snuck on!
In fact, both of the best moments of my life happened while I was sneaking on!
You cut me off from my friends, from stuff I love when you take away the internet.
If you knew about some of the people I talk to I wouldn't be allowed here, I bet.
I don't understand this.
Everything's changing, spiraling, moving..
I'm losing a lot and gaining less than what's being lost.
Of course you'd say that now.
I'm upset enough as is, and you don't even know because I can't TELL YOU!
You want to get rid of the computer, do you?
Do you want to upset me now?
And that, right there, is a huge trigger to a depression episode.
Right there.
And it isn't even dad.
That part of that deviant art profile.
I give up.
Why am I losing so much.
I find something that makes me happy and it either ends or stops or is cut off..
I don't get it.
Just..
Everything since May has basically been downhill the whole ride.
There was thirteen days.
Thirteen.
Best days of my life, in a nutshell, aside from a handful of other things.
But five of those days were the highlight of my summer.
Eight were the highlight of my month.
And both times it's ended.
And both times it's caused me to go back into the pit I've fallen into.
Every time I find something to keep me happy and pull me out of the depression, it turns around and kicks me in the face in the end.
It's like someone punched me in the face, but there's no physical pain.
It's like something's crushing me but there's no weight.
I find something that gives me happiness, then I lose the chance at ever getting it back, it seems.
And because I looked at that dA profile I've been pulled farther into this pit I've sunk into.
Because of him.
And he's the one who keeps me happy.
People are weird.
Emotions are weird.
Love is weird.
Everything's weird.
*sigh*
I have to go..
Bye.
